Comings and Goings

I held my first job 26 years ago and that is a long time ago. In that long span of time, I have held several jobs and the current job is my 9th. Except on two occassions, I remember my boss’s pained facial expression when I told them that I was resigning. They were much older than I was and hierarcy and seniority prevented them from openly expressing their anguish and hurt , but their body language displayed sorrow. On one occcasion, my boss plainly told me that if I left then my entire department would collapse if I left at that juncture, and then left me to decide what I would do. At stake was a job that would give me nearly four or five times my then salary, a couple of trips to Geneva a year, and a place on the international NGO circuit. But looking at my boss’s pained expresion , I decided to stay on for some more time. I think that is the only time, I chose to do so. The rest of the time, I couldn’t care less what my superiors thought. I had made my decision ( hopefully prayerfully) and stayed oblivious to what others - my bosses or my colleagues thought.

All that changed recently when a beloved colleague came up to me and said that he was resigning. The resignation letter was contained in an innocous envelope and intuitively , I guessed what the subject of the discussion was likely to be even before the envelope was handed over to me. I guess that when you have handed in resignation envelopes all your life, intuition becomes strong in that area. I didn’t and don’t want to lose that colleague. And yet, as I was trying to make eye contact with my colleague and convince him to stay on for some more time, I was finding it difficult to do so. In my colleague’s eyes, I saw reflected the pain and sadness of my many previous managers and directors who did not want to lose me and let go of me but had to, faced with my iron determination and grit. Who was I any way, having left 8 jobs in my career to preach to my colleague on loyalty and faithfulness ? Yet with a pained and hollowed expression on my face, I made a passionate plea for my colleague to continue, because very honestly if that person left, there would be a void that would not be easily filled. No one of course is indispensable ; but some are certainly dearer than others.

This evening, writing this , I see life differently, very differently. I have never had a great sense of self esteem; I have always believed that people like me can be easily found and easily replaced. But perhaps not. Hearing my colleague say all that I have been saying over the years, and hearing me say, all that my bosses have said over the years and seing in his eyes, a reflection of my many bosses ; all of them the noblest of people that God has created, makes me wonder. Makes me confused. I never thought that my leaving anybody would create a void or a vaccum anywhere, but perhaps I was wrong. Though I fumble in so many areas of my life, perhaps in some domains of life, I have some thing to offer; a place where I have some thing to give, even if it is in that just one place. Perhaps loyalty and faithfulness is a valuable commodity after all; just that one learns to recognize and value it once one is one on the verge of losing some one loyal.